The Reality Of Pokemon: Gotta catch 'em all gone horribly wrong

If you are a 90’s kid like myself, chances are you grew up watching Pokemon. Most of us bought the cards looking only for the shinies of course, played the games which would allow our parents some quiet time for hours, and probably most shocking of all woke up EARLY on Saturday mornings to watch the cartoons.

We all wished Pokemon were real. I for one would take my plastic pokeball and throw it at anything that dared to move in my front yard. That went pretty smoothly, until my neighbor’s cat got tired of the stupid kid throwing things at it and shouting, “Aww it popped out”. When I came inside that day my sister said, “Pokemon aren’t real you know”. Thus began the great flood of ’99! But what if Pokemon were real?

In the show, Ash begins his journey at 10 years old. Most of us were eighteen when we left home for the first time, and sometimes we still wish we were at home. Ash goes months without talking to his mom. My mom would FREAK if she didn’t hear from me for more than two weeks.

On his journey, Ash befriends many different types of wild creatures including giant fire breathing lizards. His mom must have never told him not to play with fire, because he seems to do it just about every episode in the first season. I was always told to stay away from wild animals, not that they were going to become my best friend.

Also, if kids became Pokemon trainers at 10 just imagine the destructive force they’d be wielding. Noogies would be a thing of the past, replaced by only being shocked by a little lightning...totally no big deal right? How many bullies would pick on you if you had a Dragonite standing right behind you? Granted, it would level the playing field...but would anyone really want the playground to become a war zone?

In the show, whenever Team Rocket loses a Pokemon battle they get sent packing. This wouldn’t happen in the real world, they may lose the battle but they’d end up silencing you forever with their machine guns anyway. No ten year old would foil an entire evil organizations plot just by having his pet beat up their pet.

Animal’s rights activist would have a field day with the Pokemon league. There would be constant pickets outside the gyms and indigo plateu. “Pokemon have feelings too causing them to battle like that is cruel”. It would however be a new sport for Michael Vick to bet on!

On the plus sides though, no woman would have body issues. Every woman that exists in the Pokemon world minus a few old ladies has the ideal body type. For the select few that don’t, it would be a lot worse than the barbie complex that already exists.

In the Pokemon world, when your Pokemon are sick they go to the Poke Center. There they are taken care of for free. In real life, with how often your Pokemon got sick even your great-grandchildren would still be paying off the medical bills.

I hate to be the killer of fantasizes but maybe it’s for the best that ten year olds are not running around with creatures with these destructive capabilities. It may be time to give up on the dream of being the very best like no one ever was, and instead settle for living life the normal way. All I know is the only thing I will be catching any time soon is some Z’s.

Until next time,
I’m just your friendly neighborhood bloggerman